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Armstrong to Launch Legal Action Against Self

hawkeye's picture

By hawkeye - Posted on 22 January 2013

Found this on

Armstrong to launch legal action against self.
By Todd Flandis

In breaking news this afternoon it has been revealed that Lance Armstrong has taken the unprecedented step of launching legal action against himself.

Suing for an undisclosed sum, the lawsuit filed in the U.S. District Court in Austin, lists loss of income, emotional distress and damage to reputation amongst the reasons for the lawsuit.

Lance Armstrong recently revealed on a U.S. talk-show that he had taken performance enhancing drugs during his dominating 7 year reign of the Tour De France.

Speaking candidly on the talk-show, Armstrong was at pains to stress that “that guy” who had doped to win the tour was a man he had left behind, and he was now a reformed man.

Insiders close to the disgraced cyclist say that he wants the world to know that he has changed and wants to distance himself from the past.

“Lance feels that his old self has really let him down, he’s done untold damage to his reputation, his finances, both current and future, and has hurt his family. He can think of no other way of rectifying the situation than launching this lawsuit, to try and repair the damage that has been done to Lance’s life”, said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity.

With airtight public liability insurance policies in place, the lawsuit could be worth millions to the now ex-Tour De France winner, with a clear pattern of his actions over the last 10 years clearly causing an almost catastrophic meltdown of his reputation and finances.

Reading from a prepared statement on the courthouse steps, Armstrong said “I’m launching this lawsuit because I want to set an example going forward, and on behalf of cycling fans and cancer survivors all over the world, I want to let it be known that such actions (such as those of Lance Armstrong) should not be tolerated”

“My reputation has been damaged, my finances decimated, and this has caused extreme emotional distress to my family. I believe that we will show in court that I am entitled to compensation for all this pain and suffering.”

The insurance company embroiled in the lawsuit could not be reached for comment.

Followed within minutes by:

Armstrong takes out AVO
By Joe Blake

In breaking news, following the revelation that Lance Armstrong was going to be suing himself, he is reported to have issued a violence restraining order against himself, and one of the conditions of that order is that he is not to approach within 50 metres of himself.

When asked what was the violence that caused the order, Lance would not comment, saying only "Ask him, HE knows!"

"Well," said Armstrong, "this is going to make any reconciliation difficult, though not impossible. The relationship has not broken down irretrievably but it's on the very edge."

Following the serving of the restraining order, Lance Armstrong has gone into hiding, and he doesn't know where his head is at.

ChopStiR's picture

LoL, sounds like something from Onion News.
I say good luck to him. I hope he wins.

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